My IVF & Early Pregnancy Loss Journey ~ Part 2

Featuring Infertility, Endometriosis, MTHFR and Early Pregnancy Loss.

Start at the beginning. Part 1 here.

We prepared for the next transfer. More hormones and more waiting. When the time came we went through the transfer process again. This time it was sucessful. We were so happy. We told only immediate family and those who knew we were going through IVF. The morning sickness hit hard and quick. I was soon vomiting multiple times a day but was just happy to be pregnant.

The weeks passed as we waited for our 7 week ultrasound. I vomited in the morning as usual and we went to our appointment. No baby had formed. It was not a successful pregnancy. A small sack could be seen but no baby or heartbeat as should be seen at 7 weeks. We went home and not too many days later I began bleeding and miscarried. I don’t think I had ever felt such sadness in my life. I remember when my mum first came over and just held me and I cried and cried in her arms.

Once my pregnancy hormone levels returned to baseline we waited a month before another transfer. This time the first embryo didn’t survive defrosting and they had to use a second one. This transfer was again unsucessful. Again I started my period the night before my blood test. While working a night shift in the nursery. I remember crying in the toilet and then having no choice but to return to work. In very unfortunate timing a young nurse working was talking about how she didn’t understand why women would be so upset over a miscarriage because it was ‘just a bunch of cells.’ This absolutely cut me, because here I was greiving over a bunch of cells that didn’t even make it to implantation. Another beautiful nurse gave a wonderful reply about the hopes and dreams you hold for that baby in the weeks you carry them. I will forever be grateful for her response.

Another month, another transfer. Prepare yourself for this one. It was a wild ride.

Another horrible 2 week wait. A positive pregnancy test. Again the morning sickness hit hard and fast. This time I wasn’t just happy to be pregnant. I was terrified of losing this baby. The mental game was hard. The weeks were long. Finally, the 7 week ultrasound came. Nothing. No baby. No heartbeat.

I cried. And I cried and I cried. For the next 2 weeks I continued vomiting every day and had no signs of miscarriage. I was finding it incredibly hard to do anything or work incase I started to miscarry. After 2 weeks I went to get a formal ultrasound so I could take the medication to pass the miscarriage. I was going to go alone but my mum insisted on coming with me. They started the ultrasound and there on the screen I could see a baby. As a midwife I knew what I was seeing. She checked and there was a heartbeat. Baby was measuring 8 weeks and 5 days. By transfer I was 9 weeks, so pretty spot on.

We called my husband and he listened to the heartbeat. We were thrilled. This was our miracle baby. We told the family and friends who had been walking this journey with us and we all celebrated this joy together.

Two weeks later I had another ultrasound to check on everything. It all started normally and I could see the baby on the screen. After a few moments the ultrasound tech turned and said ‘I am sorry there is no heartbeat.’

I cannot even describe the crushing grief that came over me in that moment. I remember crying ‘no, not again.’ And sobbing and sobbing. The sonographer took her time showing us the measurements, that baby was measuring just over 9 weeks and showed us again that there was no heartbeat.

Then the radiographer came in as a matter of procedure, this lady needed lessons in talking to people about loss. She sat down and said ‘I’m sorry for the loss of your fetus.’ For starters it was an embryo, the terminology wasn;t even correct and to me it was my baby, not a fetus or an embryo. It was my baby. She then proceded to talk something about how annoying her teenagers were. We went home. I couldn’t bare the thought of telling my mum again, so we called my brother and asked him to let everyone know. We went home and sobbed together on our bed. I don’t remember how long for but it was long.

To add to the cruelty I was still vomiting constantly. I decided to take the medications. It was easter weekend and my husband was starting a new job on Tuesday. I thought it would be good if it was finished before then. We went to the hospital and explained our situation. I asked if we could have another bedside ultrasound for confirmation before I took the tablets. They explained I’d have to wait for the more senior doctor to be available for this and I said I was happy to wait. I’d already had an ultrasound say I’d lost my baby and another say I hadn’t, so I wanted to be absolutely certain before taking the tablets. A while later, probably while doing their handover I heard the staff saying something along the lines of ‘why does she want that, nothing is going to have changed since the last ultrasound.’ I’ll be honest, it felt pretty cruel to hear the staff talking like that about me, given the situation I’d been through. I wasn’t expecting anything to change, but I don’t think what I was asking for was extreme. Eventually the doctor came, who was very kind and understanding as they did the ultrasound and we left with the medications to start the next day.

 I took the first dose of medication. The pain was horrific. Like really, really, really bad. I took the second dose anyway and quickly regretted it. I was rocking on the bed curled up in the fetal position in so much pain. I called the hospital and they said something along the lines of ‘you will have pain during a miscarriage’ to which I replied ‘I know, I’ve had one before, this is a million times worse.’ They said I could come in and they gave me the option of staying in hospital to continue the medication with some slightly stronger pain relief, or booking a D+C. I did not want to take any more tablets, so I booked the D+C for Tuesday. Unfortunately, I had to take another one of the tablets before the surgery anyway. I spent the night before the surgery vomiting and in agony. I could not wait to get put to sleep. They tried to put an IV in to give me anti-nausea medication when I got to hospital but because I was so dehydrated they couldn’t get it in. The staff were so kind and found me a heat pack. The doctor who did my surgery was very kind, I’d previously worked with her at a different hospital and it was nice to have a familiar face. After the surgery I felt much better. Still grieving and still sad, but physically better.

We booked a trip to Bali and went away and tried not to think about it all.

I also had another surgy for endometriosis, because I had a number of symptoms recurring. The doctor also did a Lipiodol treatment or poppy seed flush which can help with fertility after endometriosis.